1-2-3 Inner Game
Fine and Connected Are Not the Same Thing
Listen to the audio version of this issue
Was this newsletter forwarded to you?
I've come to learn that most relationships don't fail from conflict. They fail from good intentions that quietly undermine the connection. Nobody blows them up. People just stop climbing.
I know because I did it for years without noticing. Here's the ladder, broken down rung by rung, with the actual questions I use to climb it.
Rung 1: Acts & Events
This is the facts. What happened, what did you do, what changed. It's where almost every relationship starts, and where most of mine quietly stayed.
With my wife it looked like a well run household, calendars synced, pickups covered. With my son it looked like presence, dinners, games, the big moments. I was there for all of it and still living entirely on this rung.
Questions that live here: "What happened today." "What time do you need to leave." "What's on for this week."
Nothing wrong with these. The problem is stopping here and calling it connection.
Rung 2: Opinions & Preferences
One step up. What do you think, do you agree, what's your take?
This is where most "good" conversations actually happen, and where most people assume depth has been reached because an opinion feels more personal than a fact.
Questions that live here: "What did you think of that." "Do you agree with how that went." "What's your take on it."
Interesting conversation. Doesn't build trust on its own. I spent years mistaking this rung for real closeness, with both my wife and my son.
Rung 3: Motivations & Values
This is where it starts costing you something to speak. Why does this matter to you, what's important here, what are you actually protecting or trying to create.
I helped set up an internship for my son with a founder I coach. The ask on the surface was rung one, a favor, a placement, a yes. What actually made it work happened here. I asked my son what he actually wanted out of it, not just whether he wanted the internship.
The founder said yes for his own reasons, not as a favor to me. Once we were both talking about what we actually valued, the whole thing became real instead of transactional.
That one conversation changed how I show up with him generally. I started asking the values question instead of the logistics question more often than not. Our relationship is the strongest it's been, not because of the internship itself, but because I kept choosing rung three after it.
Questions that climb here: "Why does this matter to you." "What are you actually hoping happens." "What would make this worth it to you."
Rung 4: Feelings & Impact
The top rung, and the one almost nobody visits on purpose. How did this affect you, what did you feel, what was the impact on you.
This is the rung where a conversation about the latest business strategy, which is interesting, turns into a conversation about what that success would actually cost you personally, which is meaningful.
I still avoid this rung more than I'd like to admit, with my wife especially. Some weeks I go entire days without asking anyone, including myself, how something actually landed.
Questions that climb here: "How did that actually land for you." "What did that stir up." "What's this really costing you, or giving you."
I wish I could tell you I climbed once and stayed. I haven't. Some weeks I'm fully back on rung one with either of them, running my whole life on facts and logistics, and I don't notice until someone I love goes quiet in a way facts can't explain. The son side of this is genuinely stronger now. The marriage side is still very much a work in progress.
This is a gym, not a spa. A spa relaxes you once and you walk out the same person. A gym only works because you keep showing up on the days you don't want to, and it never once gets easy. I'm not climbed. I'm mid rep, permanently.
Two questions before you close this.
Which rung do you actually live on with the person closest to you, not which one you think you live on.
Pick one favor or ask you're about to make this week. Before you make it, find out what the other person actually wants out of it, not just whether they're in.
Nobody climbs this once and stays there. You just keep choosing to.
Here are some Inner Game perspectives to consider this week.
1 Question from me
Between your marriage and your kid, which one is running on rung one right now without you noticing, the way mine both were?
2 Questions (and answers from me)
Q: My household runs fine. Calendars synced, everyone covered, nobody dropping anything. Isn't that enough?
A: That's rung one working exactly as designed. It's efficient, it's invisible, and it's exactly what I had before I noticed my marriage had quietly become a logistics operation. Fine and connected are not the same thing.
Q: The internship worked because I ended up asking my son what he actually wanted, not because I planned to. How do I do that on purpose instead of by accident?
A: Ask the values question before you make the ask. Not "do you want this," but "what do you actually want out of this." I got lucky finding rung three by accident once. The move is doing it on purpose, every time, before the favor.
3 Insights
A synced calendar is not a connected marriage. Mine was proof of that for longer than I want to admit.
Being in the room for every dinner and every game is not the same as being in the conversation. I confused the two with my son for years.
The favor that actually works is never just the favor. It's the conversation underneath it that nobody sees, and it's the only part that matters.
Until next week:
Ask before it feels comfortable.
Climb back before you're asked to.
Choose the harder rung again tomorrow.
— Dhiren
Comments